The most diverse software company in the world consists of 100% black lesbian single mothers missing a body part, with arts degrees

Which film star is always jumping around the forest? John Treevaulter.

“Thats a sexy little outfit your wearing” I said. “I bet you want my cock in you”. “Dave”, my wife said, “do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?”

What did the guy in China say to the Chinese couple who finally got approved to adopt? Con-grab-ur-asians!!

I hate three things in this world: math

My wife is like Pokemon Soon as I throw out my balls she runs off.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…