What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one… God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.

People at my work name their food.. .. today I ate a lasagna named Peter

Cop: Know why I stopped u? Scientist: No Cop: How much science u do tonite? Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat] Cop: Get out

I’ve got hoes in different area codes. (I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)

Women: underwear are not hot pants/short shorts. THEY ARE UNDERWEAR AND YOU GIVE ME A BONER

What do you call Batman who skips church? Christian Bail

I forgot my U-bend was blocked when I went to the toilet… I soon remembered, when it all came flooding back.

Did you hear about the the horse that got shot? He’s in stable condition.