[dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host’s dog* *leaves*

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Most irons aren’t made from iron, which ironically is both ironic and unironic.

Did you hear about that new supervillain, The Weather Man? I hear he’s taking the world by storm

40 days after Christmas Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her for Christmas and it’s still printing.

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth…. and vagina? Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded!

[Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where’s his shoes?

So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse.

Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.

A girl quit her job at the doughnut factory… She was fed up with the hole business.