*Relationship status* Me: I’m heading off now. Wife: Yayyy.

What’s so good about living in Switzerland? Not sure but the flag’s a big plus.

Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace.

We should legalize heroin just for the commercials alone

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

I don’t understand… …how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.

People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to become a comedian… well nobody’s laughing now!

Did you hear about the man who went into the doctor for anal glaucoma? He couldn’t see his ass going into work.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings