*PLOT TWIST* Breaking Bad last ep. Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

Go ahead and cremate your grandma, you’ve urned it.

Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket full of shit? The bucket.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would… 1995: …leave it, toilets are gross Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Looking for a joke: irish dinner potatoe Pretty close, but need to know the exact joke about irish dinner consisting of potatos and beer

Jared was a good eater But he always left a little behind

Sometimes I just get the urge to belt out The Lion Sleeps Tonight. After all, it’s only a whim away.

Allstate just sent me a safe driver bonus check for 73 cents so I guess good things do happen to good people.