Where does geography and geography meet? The Bermuda Triangle.

Buy Domino’s Fire everyone Hire dragons Fire roasted pizzas Delivery in six minutes or less IMAGINE DRAGONS

What do you call a woman who turn straight guys into gay? Spatula.

I feel there’s still hope for this world every time my computer’s spellcheck doesn’t recognize Kardashian.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985] Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks. CEO: How can we supply that many? Jesus: *winks at camera*

Why do credit cards not work in France? They don’t understand the concept of charging.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.

Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

What do you call a clown and a crook rolling in feces? The US elections.