A physics teacher accidentally walks into the psychology classroom on her first day… Whoops wrong sub

I once had a friend named Chance… But he was just too damn unreliable… I’ll show myself out, stage right

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most. Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

So I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. at my local Walmart He was comparing Old Spice Sport to Old Spice Original Scent when I slapped those bottles out of his hand and told him, “No soap, Radio.”

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

To all the “I’m moving to Canada” people out there, you’re being ridiculous. You won’t be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

Helen Keller wouldnt know what a dick was if it hit her in the face.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian. Idiot.

Someone’s deodorant is not working… And I know it’s not me because I’m not wearing any.