“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?” *imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy. No one can stop our love now.

I just burned 2000 calories! That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven and take a nap.

What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow? Total Eclipse of a Fart

Why do bananas get all the ladies? Because they have appeal

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

I heard they’re installing over 15,000 CCTV cameras in New Delhi for Obama’s visit. That’s ridiculous, it’s not like he’s going to steal anything.

Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One — but it’s an 8 hour minimum.

Why do Jews have big noses? Why not? Air is free anyway!

So I went to an Ethiopian restaurant last week… and I am still waiting for the food.