Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty? Me: Is that water or vodka? Him: Vodka. Me: Empty.

I like my coffee like I like my presidents. Not orange

Live today like it’s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt. “That was dope!”

What do you call a fedora wearing neck beard president’s wife? First M’lady

How do you re-use a condom? Turn it inside out, and shake the fuck out of it.

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it! Later Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here

I told my jewish friend a Holocaust Joke… It Holocaust me our friendship.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae