Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad. But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Somehow,, We’ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

I just found out I’m an amateur nudist. I thought I was pretty good at it but apparently if you don’t have the right certifications they’ll call the mall security.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world 1) Those who are bad at maths 2) Those that are good at maths

I went to a seafood disco last week I ended up pulling a mussel.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

How do you tell… How do you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes!

*crawls seductively across bed* *elbow gives out*

I just mixed peanut butter and Nutella together in case anyone’s curious why I’ve suddenly started attending church.