2 Goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Did you hear about the scarecrow that got an award? It was for being outstanding in his field.

2 dads walk into a bar… One turns to the other and says “that hurt”.

Kanye West always looks like someone just told him a movie spoiler.

“Wow, I haven’t showered since last year!” “Haha good one, but it’s not the new year yet” “I know…”

Too sick to walk to the drugstore. Anyone have a recipe for turning meth back into cold medicine?

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

What do old people often do? Die

Jesus loves you. These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison.

A picture is worth three, maybe four words tops.