How does Moses make tea? He brews it.

Those “Smoking Kills” stickers on cigarette packs would be more effective saying “Smoking Kills Puppies with a power drill covered in bees.”

What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup Q: What did you have for lunch? A: Pea Soup Q: What did you have for dinner? A: Pea Soup Q: What did you do all night? A: Pee soup…

Why Trump is the most religious president in United States history? He got Every Juan praying!

Q: Where do books eat dinner? A: At the table of contents.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

This morning, 50 Cent announced he’s filing for bankruptcy. He also announced he’ll be touring with Nickelback to recoup 10% of his losses.

*walks up to IKEA return counter *rips receipt into tiny pieces *tells the clerk to put it together himself

My wife wanted me to see the world from a woman’s perspective… So I stood next to the kitchen window.

An old man went to the doctor The doctor says “I’m afraid I have bad news. You have cancer… And you have alzheimer’s.” The old man says “Well, at least I don’t have cancer!”