Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his toys? Because he is a little shellfish.

45 min phone call w/8yo nephew: Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg? Irene.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Did you hear about the dinner on the moon? Great food no atmosphere.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair…

Dear every hip hop artist: No, I don’t know what you’re saying. Maybe if you ask me another 36 times before the song is over.

HELP! I just sent my girlfriend a dick pic… and she just sent me one back.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Who was the winner of the first Tour De France? The Wehrmacht Tank division.