Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.

Sarah Jessica Parker? Horse.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke ’em on!

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.

What’s a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste

BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.

The FDA is banning trans fats because they’re bad for you… but OJ has actually killed people!

Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his cup of free-trade coffee? Because he started drinking it before it was cool.

I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats Prophets are though the roof.