Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don’t dream about a girl that everyone else has.

My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.

did you hear about the kid who read a book about anti gravity? He just couldn’t **put it down!**

I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way

DAEEM GURRL . . . you must be suicidal thoughts, cause you’ve been running through my mind all day. – Jim Hamilton

A man was masturbating for 48 days straight until finally he blew his load It was a long time coming.

I got catcalled by the garbagemen outside my house this morning… They know a good piece of trash when they see one.

What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady.