Did you hear about that celebrity who committed suicide? Reese whatsername? “Witherspoon?” “No, with a knife!” Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)

What is Somailias national dish? An empty plate

Why did the boy fall off the bike? Someone threw a fridge at him…. Gold

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.

Wheelchair tax The new tax on wheelchairs has been met with major resistance, with some users refusing to stand for it.

“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

Got my hair done again. I’m so blonde now I can barely spell my last name.

I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.