A beautiful lady once asked me what I like in a woman. I got six months for indecent exposure.

Two guys walk into a bar… “Ouch!”

What do call you it when a butt pirate calls another butt pirate on the phone? Booty call.

You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants.

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

How do you know the passengers of the missing plane are alive? A new season of lost is out now!

Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.

Why do Mexicans love six flags … Because they can get a abortion and go on rides

Jesus Christ.. …

Just got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!! Lucky I got the first punch in.