When god created Adam, she said: “I’ve got good news and bad news…. …good news is, I’m giving you a penis AND a brain. Bad news is, I’m only giving you enough blood to use one at a time.”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss. You’ve trained your whole life for this. Take the shot. Kill the moon.

I sprayed a spider in my house with Axe, to try and kill it. But now it’s name is Chad, and he’s fucking my girlfriend…

Who would you save first? Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

I have developed an intolerance to gluten- -free people

I wish I was able to argue about something as strongly as women do about nothing.

Doctor Doctor I think I’m an adder Great can you help me with my accounts then please!

[tweets about one side of an issue to my followers who all agree with me already] hell yes I’m making a difference

I hate when people ask me what I’m see myself doing in 5 years… Its not like I have 2020 vision.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world… …those who understand binary and those who don’t