A philosopher says to the linguist… “What if, instead of periods, woman had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

A joke about pi? Nah this joke just goes on forever ——————-

What is the difference between a grizzly bear and a limp dick? There isn’t one, you can’t fuck with either one.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? tenants.

What’s the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist? The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees nothing. And the realist sees the train.

[Girl over my house] “My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?” [Unclipping my harmonica holder] Def not.

school is like a boner School is like a boner its long and hard, unless your Asian

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up? Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

I had to quit my job as a Microsoft delivery man It got awkward telling people I was giving word to their mother.

What’s the difference between a Lambo and 1,000 dead babies? I dont have a Lambo in my Garage…