Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

I was hanging out with some lesbians… Yes, I do have a penis. But don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.

I’d completely forgotten I had a boomerang It just came back to me.

How come the T Rex was an excellent stenographer? short hands..

The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats Prophets are through the roof

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

George Carlin appeared to me in a dream and asked me “How can there be such a thing as a one-way street when you can obviously cross a street either way?”

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uhfailure

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that