What the worst part about pulling a hair clump from the drain of the apartment you just moved into? Waiting for it to dry so you can glue it to your sex doll

My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.

What do women and pine trees have in common? Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.

Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team ? He took too long to put his boots on !

What do you call two crows together? Attempted murder.

You can tell a movie is going to be funny if one is the characters is shrugging in the poster. Because shrugging people will do anything!

What’s the difference between black people and cancer? The cancer evolves.

My wife tried on a new dress and turned to me and said, “I look fat, can you give me a compliment?” “You have perfect eyesight”, I replied.

My gf texted me “myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative” Do any of you know what “ternative” means?

Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?