I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.

Who did the pirate lose his virginity to? His first mate.

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

The “D” boy: spell “me” girl: M-E boy: but you forgot the D girl: there’s no D in me boy: not yet 😉

Marriage in New Jersey should be between a tan and a woman.

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar… The bartender looks up at them and says “Oh, not you two again.”.

My wife said she wanted to die naturally. So I shot her and she died, naturally.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

I truly believe that there are some people who listen to you when you talk and there’s other people who just wait for it to be their turn.

What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They’re both stuck up bitches.