How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? None.

*Power goes out* Wife: I can’t see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.

Whats green, three inches long and smells like bacon? Kermit the frogs middle finger.

Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They’ve obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.

Pussy Me: Let me tell you a joke. Me: Pussy. You: … Me: Do you get it? You: No.. Me: Exactly.

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean in my bed.

[buzzfeed 1776] 21 Declarations You Won’t Believe!

If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I’d probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it.