My lesbian neighbors got me two fake Rolex for my birthday…. I guess they misunderstood when I told them I wanted to watch

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I’d rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

My friend told me this one Q: Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant? A: There are just too many pastabilities!

Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.

Do cannibals try to eat gymnasts… for a more balanced diet?

I just passed by Canadian citizenship test! I got an eh +

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

What’s the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops

Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake? “Hi, I’m better than you”