What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job? You had one job.

Whats long brown and sticky? A stick

How do you know someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

How do you kill a one-legged fox? You make him run across Canada…

Yo mammas so fat When she fell in the grand canyon she got stuck in between

Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?

You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying, “I just find it funny how…” because there’s a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.

thousamds of yrs ago i used up mankind’s only wish & got peas placed on this earth. all the wars coud hav been prevented if i hadnt mumbled

fart liner “Did you hear what that asshole said?” “No, What?” “Oh Shit!”

The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.