No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth. Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs laying in a pile of leaves? Russel

Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning “You mean Diabetes?” Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album. In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

What’s the difference between a bag of cocaine & a small child? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window…

Why couldn’t the skeleton pay his bus fare? Because he was skint.

When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken… it was hard to grasp.

On this day in 1947 Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, whereas Obama did nothing for America in ALL of 1947.

A woman lights a cigarette after intercourse “Do you ever smoke after sex?” she asks her husband. “I’ve never checked.”

How do hipsters measure weight? In Instagrams.