What do you call an Asian lady with a Mixmaster on her head? Brenda

Q: How do convicts get drugs while they’re in prison? A: Some asshole brings ’em in.

My daughter just said, “Daddy, you’re good looking & not fat like other dads.” She’s only 10, but we’re headed to the BMW dealership now.

When does the narwhal bacon? Not on January 18th.

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis.

Some Muslim extremists just rammed a boat into the Thames Barrier. Experts believe it’s the start of Ramadam.

The milk in my fridge is so old it thinks Elvis Presley’s dancing is inappropriate.

My girlfriend hired a midget to play the keyboards at my birthday party I think she misunderstood me. I did not say I wished I had a 12 inch pianist.

Did you hear about the sale of lesbian beds at IKEA? No nuts or screwing; just tongue in groove

I saw your wife cheating on you. Sure? What was she wearing? A white and gold dress. Uff, what a relief, she was wearing a black and blue one.