The last time I had a conversation about the Hindenburg It went up in flames.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common? In both people don’t feel like showering.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

People don’t approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces. At least that’s the impression that I get.

ME: So. You from around here? HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

A woman at Wal-mart said she was better than me. I told her to get off her high scooter.

Would Orlando Bloom? No, but Elijah Wood.

Q: How do dogs order eggs at restaurants? A: Pooched.

Why do beta fish fight each other? Because they’re trying to figure out who’s the betta fish