Just walked FACE FIRST into a spider’s web on my porch. Shoutout to my neighbors who now think I love showing off my frantic break dancing.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes. Luke: OK. Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? A: He had no body to go with.

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

Why did the comedian go to doctor? Because the audience gave him the clap

I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday Japanese Mathematician: “Acknowledge my presence, zero” Me: “Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?” Japanese Mathematician: “Notice me sin(pi)”

I was having sex with a girl the other day, I was getting tired so I asked her to go on top… She replied “you haven’t raped anyone before have you”.

Why do slovaks don’t like Czechs? They prefer cash.

*guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

Grandma keeps staring longingly through the window since it started snowing… …Maybe It’s time to let her back inside.