Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Open the door! I’m the pilot.

Research shows that, on average, men tend to write longer sentences than women. They don’t get periods.

Bad news for women: there’s a glass ceiling. Good news for women: that’s one more thing you get to Windex!

mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]

[NSFW] Gay dad John: Bill, I just found out that my dad is gay. Bill: Oh? How’d you find out? John: His dick tasted like shit.

The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that’s how productive people feel. I don’t know.

If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?

I used to be in a band called Blank Cheque. After three years we were still unsigned.

Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50 Most of the survivors found were in the closet.

Being the President is seriously stressful. Kennedy lost his mind!