Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World] Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

I can’t remember whether I threw a boomerang or not… It’ll come back to me.

“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood

Pizza places, we don’t want cheesy bread. Pizza is cheesy bread.

My mom learning how to use twitter is like the raptors figuring out how to open doors in Jurassic Park.

I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”

What do you have when life gives you melons? Dyslexia.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

I’m writing a horror movie about realizing that I left my phone at home.