It sucks not being miserable enough to bust out a good tweet.

FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?

What do you do with a Jew with ADHD? Put him in a concentration camp.

Can I tell you a joke about the wall? Nevermind you’ll never get over it.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

My hit song would be “Text Me Only”

I wanted to date a girl once… but as a server admin I couldn’t come out of my shell.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? 16, one to change the bulb, and 15 to form a support group.

What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, since he’s too short to be an ese.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let’s go ride our bikes!