Life is like a box of chocolate… You never know what you are going to get, but you can be sure that 99% of it will be crap.

Are you guys all right? No, you’re all left. (Stolen from a master comedian from x factor)

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? We really *do* taste like chicken!

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix… Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

When I grow up and have kids… I think I will stay a virgin to set a good example.

What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! And it sucks *hard*. ( )

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.

Lately I’ve found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

I like TV, I was watching Blue Peter today He’s my neighbour with a heart condition who was walking his dog. I asked why he didn’t have a pacemaker. He replied “I can’t even keep up with my dog”…