The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

Glare upon the field where I grow my fucks and see that it is baren Seriously they just won’t grow

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang Rape

Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here? *everyone looks at me* Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again” *raises hand* What guy thought horses might figure it out?

I had a break-through this morning… I should probably buy thicker toilet paper.

*opens fortune cookie* there’s rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night

I gave my Chinese mate some sweets yesterday… He said, oh these are Haribo! Well if you don’t like them, don’t eat them then.

How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend? www.AshleyMadison.com

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.