What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? Five after one.

The Universal Miss award goes to Steve Harvey.

[hospital] *crying* Jim it’s your turn to change the baby *picks up baby* -Ok brb *comes back holding a black baby* -I think they’re onto us

Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads “objects are smaller than they appear.”

I had a race with an Asian today It was a Thai

“Hey, did you see that article about cats invading the internet?” “Yeah, I reddit.”

What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

You can tell monopoly’s an old game… …because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

What did the mother say to the son after he peed on the toilet seat? urine trouble.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.