When I lost my virginity, it was great……. When I finally saw a vagina in real life, it was like meeting a celebrity. I was like “Oh my god! I’ve seen all your movies!”

I bought shoes from a second hand shop. They must’ve belonged to a junkie though because I’ve been tripping all day.

Why do rabbits always get banned from CS:GO? Because they’re always bunny-hopping.

its illegal to pick beer bottle up off the side of the road they’re native artifacts

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard* Her: You’re… slipping… Me: Pretend I’m the covers. *she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word “hey”

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Whats the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period. You get your palm red for free.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit