Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building who would hit the ground first? A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.

I like my women how I like my socks Full of my jizz and forgotten about somewhere

BEYONCE: do u like my album JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a member of ISIS? One sucks and makes you explode, the other explodes and it sucks

Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

What do you call a tree that smokes weed? Snoop Log

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop… The barista asked what he wants, and he replies “Affogato”.

What is a vampires least favorite food? Steak! …I’ll see myself out now.

What’s so fragile that even mentioning it breaks it? The male ego.