INTERVIEWER to job applicant: “Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”

hey look! *picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement* how cool is thi ew why is it wet? “dude, that’s a condom”

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal? I just passed your friend in the woods.

Why were the German tomatoes drunk? Because they’d been on the vine.

[about to see a boob for the first time] “ok, play it cool, play it cool. don’t say anything stupid” [girl removes bra] “whoopeeee”

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved at each other.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

How many Nazis does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs? One. The rest were just following orders.

“God is dead” – Nietzsche “Nietzsche is dead” – God “I’d like to add you to my professional network” – LinkedIn

Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.