You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch

How many x does it take to change a lightbulb? f(x), where f(x) = the optimal number of x for establishing a humorous stereotype.

Of course, Ludacris isn’t his real name. It’s Louis D’Cristofferson.

“Why do people get plastic surgery? Why can’t you just admit that it’s over? Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50’s.” @MaleHonesty86

Trains delayed due to: – Wrong kind of sun – Ominous cloud – Slightly damp leaf – Chilly track – Suspicious gravel – Sarcastic swan

Why doesn’t Shirley Manson change her Facebook relationship status? She’s only happy when “It’s Complicated.”

So Richard Simmons is getting a sex change. Finally going to be a man…

Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?? Great food, horrible atmosphere.

What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue