Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

If we truly become what we mock… …I think I’m going to start mocking some smarter, more successful people, for a change.

What did Bill Cosby call Donald Trump? A rookie.

What should you do if there is a blackout at night? Call the police, they’ll come and shoot it.

Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

boy: camp counselor, is it true that in some places they don’t wipe after using the toilet? jared: shh… let’s not talk while making love.

I was speaking to a lad at work called krowski. I asked, “So are you Polish?” He said, “No, my great grandad was.” I said, “Oh, so you’re just a tad pole?”

Where does Noah store his bees? The ark-hives.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]