The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery… But it turns out it was all in vain

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs. Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.

Even if you disagree with his politics you have to admit that for a second term president he doesn’t even look pregnant.

A little alien asks his mother… “Mommy, the kids all say we’re aliens from outer space. That’s not true, is it?” “Vegl dibrogmrn di shtrtl mixtor!”

Have you heard about Michigan’s music scene?? I hear there’s a lot of heavy metal in Flint. :^)

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Do hairy people get bed head all over? Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

What is the difference between catholic priest and acne? An acne doesn’t come on boy’s face until he’s 13.

My ex-girlfriend… Bent my car’s hood,but it was my fault a little bit too I was just a little bit over the legal speed.