Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

How do you get rid of somebody? Give them a ticket for a flight on Malaysian Airlines and hope that they will live up to their reputation!

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.

Stoners are gearing up to do on 4/20 what they do every other day of the year.

Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to this is a getaway car.

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

I like winter.. ..it’s cooler than summer

… Q.) Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? A.) Because red means Stop.

What do you call it when two female spies fall in love? Lesbianage