Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.

What’s sometimes white, sometimes red and sometimes brown? My dick.

People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.

Elephants Did you know an elephant’s sexual organs are in its feet? if they step you, you’re fucked!

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave? Le meow

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

In solidarity with peaceful Muslim communities around the world, I believe America should finally elect it’s first Muslim president to a third term.

At least a zombie would love me for my brain.

I like my women like I like my coffee… Ground up and in the freezer