*scrolls ur TL* *finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.* *eerily similar to mine from day before* “She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?? Jah-Bless!

What are ants called when they run away very fast to get married? Ant-elopers.

What does the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it’s offensive to talk about.

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.” 4. Walk away.

Drinking non-alcohol beer is like to eat out your own sister: the same taste but something is wrong

The Great White Whale just unveiled a sculpture of the Rolling Stones frontman made of mud brick… Moby Dick’s Adobe Mick.

What does a Jew do to make them love Christmas? Install a parking meter on the roof.

A friend was complaining about how hard it is to cook eggs sunny side up… I told him to put a lid on it.

My friend and I went to a guitar clinic recently. He really seemed to be into it. I guess it struck a chord with him.