Sloth 911: What’s your emergency [1 week later] Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT [1 week later] Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder… the bartender says “where did you get that?” parrot says “africa, where else?”

Q. How did a blind woman drive herself crazy? A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

What do you call an angry pastry? A croissant

For Christmas last year I got a sweater. This year I’d prefer a moaner or a squirter.

Lawrence starts cooking Lawrence checks Twitter Lawrence smells smoke Lawrence Fishburne

What does an alcoholic nun have? A bad habit.

Wanna Hear a Corny Joke? no??? Awww Shucks

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them. *uses falsetto voice* MR. SMOOCHES!!

Why did the rich man go crazy? He had one-million dollars, but no cents.