TIL that semantics is a contraction of “Semite Antics” That’s not true, I made that up just now. You are a racist.

I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.

Why did he do that? Who is she? What does that mean? When did that happen? Why? How? I need to go to the toilet. – Child, at the cinema

why was the broom late for work? he overswept!

I’ve decided to sell the vacuum… It’s just collecting dust. Credit to Codsworth

You have so much potential But no kinetic energy, therefore you will never go anywhere in life.

eer booze and fun!’ ‘”Didja hear the news?” asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. “Harrigan drank so much his wife left him!” “Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!”

Want to hear a dirty joke? Mud!

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

What did one tower say to the other? I’ve got a plane to catch