The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma: An empty greyhound.

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

What do you call a dead baby hanging on a wall? Art

Whenever I’m naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

My bank is really proud of me. They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance.

I told my wife she would look sexier with her hair back… She was pissed! Apparently that’s a insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I keep my porn in the oven! My wife will never find it there!

Which professional tennis player masturbates the most? Andy Rawdick

What’s the best part about being a mute? It goes without saying…

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds! Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?