If you and I are still single in 200 years let’s agree to haunt a Burger King as a singular entity.

What’s your best haiku?

College spelled backwards is “egelloc”… …which makes no sense just like everything i’ve learnt in college

Guy having sex says “damn, there should be a law against sex this good” To which the girl replies “I think there is daddy”

Why are there so many women archaeologists? Because women love digging up the past.

Why did Hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill.

Good news, insomniacs! Only 1 more sleep ’til Christmas!

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Drink triple. See double. Act single.

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked. There was a diamond in the ruff.