I got in touch with my inner self once… Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?” therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

What’s the Russian word for Internet outage? Internjet

I like my enemies how Americans like their tea Weak.

An obese man was standing naked in front of his doctor He said “Doc. I haven’t seen my dick in 3 years”. Doctor said “Then why don’t you diet?” The fat man replied “What color is it now?”

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Don’t play pocket hockey… the referee is a dick!

Botanists should run the fashion industry… …they really have style.

My pastor asked me how I view lesbian relations. Apparently “In HD” wasn’t the right answer.

What’s the hardest thing about skydiving? The Ground