Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Q. Why is gettig a blowjob from Joan Rivers like Going over Niagara Falls on a tightrope? A. They can both be life-enhancing experiences….unless you look down.

I look ugly without glasses.. Even though I’ve never worn glasses in my life.

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine? Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Did you hear about the banana thief? He’s appealing his sentence

Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.

Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.